Heading for a Breakup? Try Working on Communication First

 We've all been there: we find ourselves repeating the same argument with a loved one, going in circles, and occasionally resorting to name-calling, blaming, and yelling in an attempt to be heard. We're frustrated, yet we can't seem to stop or find a new method to communicate.

The Conflict Cycle

One of us stomps fiercely, while the other withdraws into stone stillness. We still care, but we're at a loss as to how to put an end to these vexing disagreements. We may decide that it's a sign that we're not meant to be together and end the relationship as a result. Is this really necessary? Is there another way to deal with these difficulties, a new method of talking that can help the partnership survive?

Nonviolent Communication

Marshall Rosenberg, the author of "Nonviolent Communication: the Language of Life" states that all humans are the same in their basic makeup and approach to life. Rosenberg states that human interaction is based on universal needs, feelings, and strategies to get our needs meet. Examples of universal feelings are happiness, sadness, confusion, and anger. Some universal needs are love, security, the need to be understood, and the need for trust. Conflict happens when we identify the other person's conduct rather than seeking to understand our own and our partner's feelings and needs. For example, if our partner arrives late, we may label him or her "inconsiderate" and say things like "you never consider my feelings."! The other person answers "You're always nagging me!" and "I can't do anything right with you!" This is an example of communication that drives people apart because it is based on judging and labeling, instead of stating needs and feelings.

Communicating Without Blaming

For Rosenberg, the key to better communication would be for each person to identify their needs and feelings. The angry partner could say "I'm angry you because I need to feel like you care enough to call when you will be home. I'm frightened that something might have happened to you." The other partner might respond "I feel angry when you call me inconsiderate because you didn't even ask me why I was late. I had a last-minute assignment at work. I feel afraid because when you're angry I worry that you will leave me." This is an example of communication without "labeling" which means placing value judgments on another person's behavior (in other words, blaming). 

Learn to Connect

Rosenberg's model of communication is an excellent tool for couples struggling with communication. Before you give up on your relationship, try working on the language you use with each other. With practice, you may find that changing the words you use can help revive the intimacy you are longing for.